Anger: A Result of Misunderstood Pain
Anger Is My Middle Name, an emotionally vulnerable memoir about a young girl coming of age in Denmark, by Lisbeth Zornig Anderson, captures abuse, broken social systems, and victimization all while examining active results of trauma. Lisbeth leads us through each incident as she confronts them and explores how writing aids in healing trauma that lives unknowingly in the body.
Writing in non-fiction sometimes means you convey the story you want to have happened; rather than what actually happens. Surprisingly, Lisbeth writes Anger Is My Middle Name as a woman in her forties. However, she narrates the story as it happens year by year. There was no moment of reflection, “but I knew ten years later xyz would become important.” She shows us how each sexual assault, and torn memory affects her psychology, and results in behavioral issues. The audience encounters events with her as a young girl, then detects the influence of it in her teens.
While I admit it took me a while to really get into the book, I could not stop reading once I buckled up. I did not know why at first, I would get up to do something and immediately sit back down to finish the section. However, as I reached the end, I realized I had to know, she would be okay. Lisbeth shares these humiliating moments and vulnerable thought processes, regardless of exposure. As uncomfortable as they are to read, we begin to understand why Lisbeth behaves the way she does toward other characters. I immediately recognize the first instance of mental illness as obsessive-compulsive disorder. Intricately woven throughout the chapters, she reveals the compulsive behavior slowly.
“I repeat things in my head three times or in sets of three. The number of steps I’m taking, or even the number of times I open and close doors, becomes important. Every time I don’t stick to the rule that everything has to happen in threes, I admonish myself that it has to be three times three next time.(29)”
The first time we encounter this action, her mother's boyfriend shares with Lisbeth that he attempted suicide by slashing his wrists. In panic and fear, she wakes up every night to check the gas on the stove and that it is off. She checks the knives in the kitchen and counts them to ensure none have gone missing. This event leads to obsessive behavior, driven by the fear of her loved ones being hurt. So, she begins to count everything. Throughout the beginning of the book, she wakes up to organize and account for the possible suicide weapons. She allows this obsession to upset her when not done correctly. “One night I tell her I don’t like sleeping with the lights off and that I’d like her to look for ghosts…hiding under the bed—and that she needs to do it three times.(61)” Then years later, the first instance at age seven, and now we fast forward to twelve. “I try not to step on any lines, and I count every tile.(67)” In each instance, the compulsion follows a sexual assault, a violent fight between her mother and her mother's boyfriend, or simply feeling not in control of her life. She embraces that these terrible memories are interspersed into her skin's fabric and develops her anger.
The obsessive-compulsive disorder manifests into more extensive issues for Lisabeth. Not only do we pick up on counting and organizing, but we also notice the result of anger in situations. The way she delivers this information is refreshing. Because we are on this journey with her, we empathize and can understand her perspective when rage arises. “They also say that I'm doing well at the orphanage, although now and then I get angry for no reason. I tell them that I'm not angry when I have to do my chores, but that I get angry when they suddenly change plans, or interfere in my life, or are unfair.(74)” What also interests me about these truthful statements is that she denies being guilty of some of the anger. Lisbeth recognizes where it comes from, specifically sudden change. In other sections, she mentions how she likes to plan her days from start to finish so she knows what to expect. Something as small as breakfast happening later than usual will set her off. Again, she demonstrates the OCD rather than suggesting she has it and knows now as an adult writing this book. These minor interruptions in her rituals result in violent outbursts. However, as readers, we recognize her daily schedule is her only control.
Throughout her young adolescent life, the social system tells her where she lives, whom she lives with, and how she feels. Neglect and abandonment create these emotional disorders and feelings of anger and anxiety. Although she was a bright young girl who just happened to be born into a terrible living situation, she perseveres through every trauma. Knowing the assaults are wrong, but placing us in the mind of the age it happens and examining why she knows it is wrong and why she allows it to happen. Lisbeth writes a compelling memoir about how her time in and out of orphanages, foster care, and home developed her mental illnesses growing up. By simply writing her story, the reader can witness her attachment disorders and understand her guilt within the sexual abuse. Of course, by the time we reach the end and learn she makes it out okay, we, too, feel incredibly angry.
